A few weeks into breastfeeding, I felt a large lump that I casually attributed to breastfeeding. It wasn't until my doctor gave me the lecture about taking every lump seriously that I began to stay up at night with the "what if" syndrome.
My doctor ordered an ultrasound and a possible mammogram. She had that tone of voice that I looked into. I stared deeply into her eyes for answers. She couldn’t tell me anything until I went in for an ultrasound a week later.
That week was so hot and cold. I kept my husband up late and cried and told him how scared I was. He knows I’m a scaredy cat and blow things out of portion, but he listened anyway. I talked to Jesus as He seemed to pulled me in close and hold me tight. He didn’t tell me to have more faith, He just listened. He brought peace into my heart and assured me that everything was going to be okay, even if it wasn’t okay. A loss of control filled my worldview. I had no choice but to surrender and live; I was living in the middle.
I asked big questions. I was able to see beyond superficial things. I saw people needing love and was able to love them fiercely. The disorganized drawers could wait because I wanted time with my people. It’s like that week brought an entire new perspective on what really matters. Crazy how a health scare can do that, bring a new lens.
The pale green gown was on the bed and I was told to undress. Gel covered my chest and the tech took a billion photos. She submitted the pictures to a specialist and I had immediate good news. Nothing to worry about, just a mass of hormonal tissue that is benign.
I pranced out of that freezing, dark room and felt about 20 pounds lighter. The weight of the scary unknown had lifted. I finally had answers.
That particular weight was lifted, but I lost a little bit of control that week. Almost like I need a savior and can’t do it all on my own, ha. That no matter how organized my drawers are, people and God still matter more. That choosing things of eternal value more often than not is just a good way to live. That living with a looser grip on controlling life and a tighter grip on my values makes more sense. That fronting love and forgiving and dance parties are the real nuggets of life. That asking questions of your creator and figuring out what you believe in is important and part of the journey. We are in the middle. We don't have all the answers and maybe we probably won't, this side of heaven anyway.
Love you guys and thanks for letting me share my heart and experience with you. Enjoy today.