He walked in, tired and worn from 48 hours awake. He looked at me for a response and longed for arms open wide.
I wanted to run away. I was tired, empty, needy and hormonal. We vulnerably looked to one another, as if we could maybe save each other. I was thinking he could read my mind through my gaze. That he would get a supernatural energy and kick me out of the house to do whatever it was I desired. That I would be the one to be served today. I had served enough.
ME ME ME and more ME. This is where things get sticky; when I define “self care” as getting ME what I need and want NOW. We see this everywhere. It can be validated and even encouraged by the world.
It reminds me of when my second child was born. My first born wasn't having it. She didn’t like that the world no longer stopped it’s rotation when she spoke. This is me. I am comfortable and happy when my needs and desires are being met; when it’s hard, when I am called to serve and love IN my weakness, I am torn. My selfish desires come in strong. I want to fight for personal comfortability.
Sometimes I just don’t feel like loving other people. ( I know, I said it and it's horrible). Sometimes it’s easier to just leave the door shut, of my heart and my home. I want to be safe and comfortable and figure out my little life and be cozy alone. O my gosh.
Perspective with the end of life in mind, which is coming for all of us…I remember it won’t matter how many hours I spend in front of the tv or how many pedicures I received. That actual self care is in the serving and loving of other people. How weird is that?! Yes, I have to love myself, but I believe there is far too much focus on the worlds standard of self love and self care.
True self care, in the trenches character development and transforming into an individual full of love comes when we are closely following Jesus. We simply cannot do it alone. When we walk so intamitely with him that the dirt of his sandals kicks back on ours. We remember that he came to serve and we are called to follow him. To study how he lived and loved and I’m pretty sure he wasn’t the least bit concerned with what HE wanted. Gulping over here.
Putting ourselves aside is an upside down way to live and something, quite frankly, I suck at. I’m a consumer and a comfort seeker. My autopilot is a ME centered life.
My prayer today.
Lord, open my eyes to opportunities to serve and love others. Help me remember that you came to serve and that is where life happens. Help me keep my door and heart open. That grabbing things for myself will only lead to grabbing more things for myself. I will come up empty and the same. When I don’t have the desire to serve, please grow it in me. Use me for your work. Help me see the distractions and the truth clearly.
I cannot do this in my own. It’s a daily choice and battle. That sacrificing of the self through serving and loving others is more of a self care than a self centered life will ever be. That self care sometimes means dirty feet.
Let’s serve one another.
Let’s love each other beyond what makes sense.
Let’s study our creator and mimic who He is.
Let us remember that life is not all about us.
I know, not something I wanted to hear on this Wednesday morning either. Haha.
Sending love to each of you,