I turned on Ellen in attempt to laugh off my mess. Surely, this could not last all day long.
What a waste. Get up and make something of this day. Your kids are beautiful and healthy. Seize the freakin day, Jen!
I was tired and lonely and weird things just kept happening (like the highchair with my baby in it being pulled over by my 3 year old..). Fun things like that.
Maybe a glass of wine?! Nope. A walk? Horrible. Still not seeing the good.
That was Monday and today I sat with my current read, The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst.
She writes about her daughter who was a mediocre pole vaulter for years and years. She ended up breaking a school record after two years of barely coming in last place. Lysa was so proud of her daughter for her accomplishment in record breaking, but more than that..she was proud of the persistence.
She just kept showing up. Running down that track, planting her pole, twisting her body, trying to clear the bar, crashing onto the mat, and receiving feedback form her coach. Run after Run. attempt after attempt. Day after day. Sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, sometimes feeling great, sometimes in pain, most times in last place-- but no matter what, she was committed to showing up to practice. (P104 The Best Yes)
That Monday I just had to show up. Nothing felt good or right about it. I was hurting and longing to snap out of it. Some days are just practice and we have to show up if we want to improve. Nothing life changing, I failed in some ways, but I showed up.
I want every day to be good. I am a celebrator by nature, a find any excuse to buy a cupcake and stick a candle in it and have a dance party type of person.
Celebration and joy are my comfortable place. When the shoe isn't fitting, I want to throw the shoe and go buy one that fits better so I can dance.
Just like roses have thorns and babies are the best ever and the HARDEST ever; Sometimes you just have to show up for practice and do your best.
It's not going to look pretty, but one day..one day it will because you chose to show up on the hard days.
(even if showing up looks like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on repeat and frozen burritos or locking yourself in the bathroom because you want to pee in peace..for the love of all things)
There is so much hope to be had and hold on. It's going to be okay. You don't have to put a pretty bow on the bad days. They are BAD and that's okay. Another day will have a bow, I promise.