A long, tired day full of correction for me and her and a mama friend who brings Caprese pasta salad and sits on the ground and encourages me to pray and tells me I'm doing a good job. Most of the days are this way. Nothing out of the ordinary laced with magic. A Tuesday contribution to the journey.
I am reminded to get out of myself and become a person for other people, Anne Lammot reminds. I read the words, I will sustain you, says Isaiah 46:4. It's so easy to think the world is mine and how it makes me feel matters most.
It's true. When we are doing well, it's easy to think about ourselves doing well. To become consumed with your own awesomeness. I am reminded that if we all think about ourselves first, this world is an ugly place. I am conflicted with celebration of self and also making myself a small servant with dirty feet. He is my savior and o my goodness it feels so good to live for more than myself. I remember that Jesus served. That he loves people who are "unworthy" of love.
The days where I am the center feel good for a time. They really do. A certain high comes with doing whatever I want and getting spoiled. The days where I say yes to serving and loving other people first are the days that reach the inside and change things. Those are the hard, long and full days.
I hold tightly to the words in Isaiah 46:4, I will sustain you.
Last night, I put the kids to bed at 7pm because I couldn't make it to 7:30pm without saying or doing something I would later regret. I felt something change as Reese asked for a story. I laid in her bed and made her tell me one. I felt my heart softening. I felt freedom as I released what I "felt" like doing. I went back into my son's nursery and pull him into bed with us. He smiled so big. I sang "Amazing Grace" loudly in the dark as his eyes became heavy. It was the only thing I could think of, that old hymn. No matter what, babe. I will sing and live "Amazing Grace" to you and do my best to end the night remembering how His grace is amazing and that He saved us. That we are small and He is big. That this will all be over soon. The heart-wrenching things that happened to Papa at work, innocent people being tortured, parts of babies being sold. This is not the end, baby..keep on singing and don't ever stop loving.