"You want me to what?"
Disoriented as I nervously weaved through cardio machines and had my girlfriend on the line. I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to have phone conversations whilst sweating and breathless, but it's often my only "alone" time so I'll make all the calls.
She wanted me to "model" her clothes. My heart hesitated even in the writing of that scary "M" word just now.
My insecurities seemed to become unleashed as I mulled over the invitation to have a shoot.
I'm a mom, way past my "modeling" days..., All I model now is spit up and poop underneath my fingernails..would I be good enough? Can I even take a good picture? I have a crooked smile now...Surely there is someone better for the job..should I lose another pound?
The next few days, "model" looking girls seemed to be surrounding my life and I decided I'll get one of their numbers an pass it on to my friend. Viola, job done.
After all. Two children in my tummy has left it's mark. That "pregnancy mask" that was supposed to disappear...hah. I just can't be the one she's looking for to model her beautiful clothing line.
The next day, we chatted on the phone about her vision for her company.
I still felt the insecurities about my body, my age, my hands don't look young and soft anymore.
Then she said this, "I want you, I don't want anyone else."
I told her my hangups and she STILL said, yes. Yes, I want all of that, you are perfect for the job. All of those things are what make you perfect, she asserted.
From that moment, I was filled. I didn't glean a model body that day, the extra under my butt didn't shrink, but I'll tell you what. I was wanted. Wanted and enough just as I am and she said yes to me and that's all I needed to let go.
It felt free and right and I could go on in confidence because she was saying yes.
I had nothing left to prove. Just me, the right fit.
It has paralleled thoughts of being enough in other ways. The language Jessica used reminds me of our Father. How he looks at us and says "yes!!!!" He listens to our insecurities, our questions about him and about ourselves. He tenderly gives us a once over. From the inside out, he says yes.
He wants us close to him. He wants to teach and love and grow us towards holiness.
He sees you and chooses you. You are it.
Just as we are, He has said yes to you and loves every square inch. It's true!!
From the pregnancy mask to my feet that need 100 callus removers and hard days and asking for forgiveness and being selfish and seeking Him and trying again the next day...He says yes.
I was lucky enough to have parents that are fans of me. You know that feeling when you know someone believes in you? Where you don't have to worry or explain yourself because you know you are loved unconditionally? That's the freedom I want to live out of.
You are loved unconditionally. Your creator loves you and wants you to live out of that freedom. Go and be bold, rock that photoshoot, because you know He is a fan of YOU (and so am I).