Telling the Truth
I did something new and frightening and brave two afternoons ago. I sat in our leather lounger and sat up straight. I was in my robe, freshly showered, raw and vulnerable in appearance. I sat across from my husband of 5 years and felt completely free as we talked about intimacy. A common talk in our marriage and mostly because he needs it and I'm not giving it.
I sat up, looked deep into his eyes and told him the truth.
I told him the deep things of my heart and mind. I told him my struggles and lies I still believe about intimacy and how I still have a big wall up protecting myself. I told him I would rather keep to myself than have people touch me.
Those words coming out of my mouth actually shocked me. Not because they were untrue, but because I had never said them out loud.
I told Drew my ultimate desire is to make him feel loved and I will do whatever it takes to show him. I admitted I rarely make time for a long hug. A kiss in the kitchen is rushed by the dishes, reaching out for his hand sometimes happens, but it's not my first instinct. He told me the truth back and while it's messy and awkward, truth and love filled the space and it was safe and free.
Telling the truth is so important. For the longest time, I pushed my awkward feelings about touch aside. I told myself to do better. I felt shame when I didn't want to snuggle. I got mad when he would bring it up. Not this time, the truth is out now, all of it. The truth is out and NOW we can work on the real issue because we know what it is, ha. We can meet in the middle and be honest.
Here's the best part of all.
Drew felt MORE respected because I let him into my heart and mind. Intimacy, perhaps?? I stopped pretending and told him the truth and being the phenomenal person he is, he saw me, listened and loved me. We are working towards one another instead of me hoping he can read my mind somehow. Sidetone: NO ONE CAN READ YOUR MIND. No one is sitting there thinking about your thoughts, that's your job. Make time to think so you know how you actually feel. When you react a certain way to something, don't just let it go. Sit in silence or go on a run and DIG. Dig down and figure out the truth. Tell it to yourself for a while and maybe that's all you need.
I can tell you this, telling the truth is freedom.
I thought marriage was going to look a "certain way" and it's completely different. I held onto my "what it's supposed to look like" for a while and it's too exhausting to keep up (and fake). I thought I would have figured everything out by now, I am JUST beginning and will always be in some way. I am not a mess, I am strong and brave but live in a messy world (thanks, Glennon). I am owning what my marriage actually looks like. I am owning who I actually am.
I had another moment where I told the truth last week. I was nervous to go somewhere alone when most everyone else had a spouse present. I felt vulnerable with just my kids and didn't want to feel uncomfortable. I sat with my honest feelings for 2 hours to figure out what I actually felt. I wanted to stay home but I heard lies about missing out and having a hard time admitting the event was going to be too much work alone. I stayed home. I figured out what I needed and it was rest and watching Tangled on my bed, eating popcorn with my kids.
So go and tell the truth to yourself or to the world. Journal it out if you need. Meditate, stop and be still. Are you angry about something? Do you feel sad, jealous, hurt? What are some of your triggers? Tell the truth about it. It's hard work, but it's the best work.
Love to you and happy weekend, loves. I am so thankful for each of you.